


I Could Never Take the World Alone

by nameless_wanderer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slightly angsty fluff, i'll fix the description later, mostly clean really, the gang is good friends, this was for a secret santa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 03:31:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13227213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: Connor's friends knew he didn't want to talk about his last attempt. But it was making them anxious. How do you let somebody know you're there for them when they refuse to address the elephant in the room?





	I Could Never Take the World Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the deh secret santa for waiting-since-day-9ne (yes, i did already submit a fic, it's a long story). I wasn't able to finish it to the extent I wanted, hence chapter 1/2 but I'm pretty sure I'm past the deadline anyway.
> 
> Taking a note from other fic authors, title is from "Brother" by NEEDTOBREATHE

"What's taking so long?" Jared asked for about the millionth time. He and Evan had been waiting in the hospital for a few hours, waiting to hear any news about Connor. Evan had been holding Jared's hand the entire time, both to calm Jared down and as an outlet for his own mounting anxieties.

"You know how it is, Jared… it's a lot of time and effort. And… and even more time, I guess." Evan's phone vibrated, and using his free hand he took it out. "Oh, good. That's good."

"What's good?"

"Zoe finally found a ride."

"What do you mean 'finally?' I thought she had a car." Evan rolled his eyes.

"Cynthia needed it for some reason today, and Larry wouldn't answer her calls." Jared exhaled, disgusted.

"Fucking Larry."

"I mean, at least he's trying."

"He's really not, Evan." A nurse walked into the room, looking like she had information. Both the boy's ears perked up, hopeful.

"Who is here for Connor Murphy?" She looked around as Evan and Jared stood up. "Right, the impatient boy who kept asking me every five minutes if he was ok."

"I'm really sorry about him," Evan said, sheepishly.

"Are you boys…" she looked at the two of them, confused, "…family?" Evan and Jared exchanged a look. Honestly, for the time being it was easier to lie.

"We're friends of Connor's," Jared said.

"Family is on their way," Evan added.

"Please tell us he's ok," Jared said.

"Well, I wouldn't say he's ok. It's gonna take a bit of time to recover from his injuries, and he's probably still a bit shaken up. But he's awake, and he can see visitors now. He's just down that hall, second room on the right."

"Thank you so much," Evan said as Jared practically tried to sprint to the room. Evan grabbed his shoulder, slowing him down as the two hurriedly walked to Connor's room. They didn't know what state they were gonna find him in. They walked in, attempting to steel themselves for anything they might face. What they got was more unexpected than any awful thing they might've imagined.

Connor was eating a red jello cup in a way that could only be described as nonchalant. It took him some time to notice Evan and Jared, but when he finally did look up, his expression remained unchanged: purely neutral.

"Oh. Hey guys. What's up?"

Evan took a step back, unsure how to react. Jared scoffed and took a few steps towards Connor.

"What's _up_?!" he intoned. Jared stepped forward, now seething, and Evan rushed to hold him back. "Our boyfriend lands himself in the hospital for the dumbest fucking thing, and the only thing you have to say to us is ' _WHAT'S UP_ '??!?!?!??!?!??!?!" Jared hit Connor in the arms a few times before Evan grabbed him and pulled him away from Connor.

"Ow, ow, OW! That fucking hurts." Connor held his arm, surprised at Jared's reaction.

"You know what hurts, _Con_?" Jared raised his voice. Evan noticed the venomous nickname and pinched the bridge of his nose, afraid of the escalation.

"Ok, Jared…" Evan was doing his best to try to calm Jared down, but he honestly didn't blame Jared. He understood why he was mad, and he could see himself reacting like Jared did if only he didn't understand Connor's side of it all too well.

"The face that my boyfriend— _our_ boyfriend—tried to… you just…" Jared groaned loudly, unable to contain his anger. "You didn't fucking think to call us? To try to talk to us? Any of us, Alana, Zoe, fucking _any of us_?!?!?!" Evan grabbed Jared's arms.

"Jared, calm down, take a deep breath." Jared rolled his eyes, but inhaled with Evan. "Why don't you just walk around for a bit, maybe get something from the vending machine in the lobby and just calm down a little bit. Ok?"

"Fine," Jared said, defeated. "But don't think you've gotten off easy," Jared pointed at Connor now, "we're gonna talk about this." Jared walked out of the room, mumbling furiously to himself. Connor looked at Evan.

"What the fuck's his problem?"

"Are you serious?" Evan sighed. "I'm not saying I agreeing with him, but Jared has a point. You can't just end up in the hospital and think we're not gonna be feeling pretty tense."

"So your taking his side?" Connor yelled, annoyed.

"There are no sides in this, Connor!" Evan responded, shaking his hands up and down and looking at the ceiling. He turned back to Connor. "There's just you, and the fact that you were hospitalized, and we were so scared when we heard, and we were so relieved when you ended up being okay, and you kinda just disregarded everything we went through by saying 'what's up' instead of realizing we'd have a lot of things to talk about and talking about it with us openly."

"Okay, okay, okay! I guess you're right," Connor conceded. "I just… now that I'm in here, they're gonna admit me to the psych ward, where I'm gonna have to talk about it every day for, like, at least a week. I just… I didn't wanna talk about it again. I just want to… move on from this stupid mistake. I want things to be normal with the three of us." Evan shrugged.

"Things will be normal. Eventually. But you have to… give us time to process this. Figure out what to do about it. How to prevent it from happening again." Connor nodded. "Look, just… we'll talk about it later, but if you ever… just talk to us in the future, ok?" Connor nodded once more. Evan leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"Does my family know?"

"I couldn't get in touch with your parents. Zoe was stranded at rehearsal or something but Alana's driving her here now." Connor sighed heavily.

"Alana knows now? Great. Fucking Christ, she's gonna chew me out."

"She's your best friend, she's not gonna chew you out." Jared reentered the room at that moment.

"Ok I'm still pissed, but I'm just gonna keep quiet for now so that I don't say anything stupid. Like what a fucking idiot you are," Jared announced.

"I'm okay with that. You're pretty fuckin' hot when you're seething."

"Really? You're horny now? In a hospital?" Connor smirked.

"Wanna know what I'd do if I wasn't stuck in this bed?"

"Absolutely not, please for the love of god don't say anything else," a voice came from the door. Evan turned around and saw Zoe in the doorway and Alana, waiting just outside in the hallway. Evan walked up to Zoe and hugged her.

"Zoe!" Zoe patted Evan's back, then let go and looked over at Connor

"Great, my buzzkill of a sister is here," Connor groaned, only a little bit serious.

"Forgive me for not wanting to know the specifics of my brother's sex life."

"Blow me."

"Like that," Zoe joked. She walked over to his side. "Are you okay?" Connor shrugged.

"Yeah, mostly. Does Alana know that I—"

"Yes," Alana said, finally stepping into the room, "she does." Connor sighed.

"Alana, I'm sorry, it's…" Connor shook his head. How could he explain something like this?

"I understand. Sort of," Alana said. "Look, I know you've had a rough time. I don't pretend to know why you did what you did, but I want you to know I'm here, and that as your best friend you should be able to talk to me about anything." Connor looked down, a bit sheepish.

"Thanks, Alana."

"No problem, _Con_." Connor froze. He looked back at Alana.

"So… you _are_ mad at me?" Alana nodded.

"Yeah. A little bit."

"Great. So everyone hates me."

"Of course we don't hate you," Alana said.

"We love you," Evan added. "That's what makes all of this so difficult."

* * *

 

"So I think we should do something tonight," Alana said as she sat down at the lunch table. The other four looked at her, confused. "It's a fantastic day, guys. It's Friday, it's the start of a three day weekend, and it's Connor's first day back."

"We're really lowering the bar for 'fantastic,' aren't we?" Jared murmured.

"Ok, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration," Alana conceded, "but I still think we should do something tonight. Is everybody free?"

"I've got a rehearsal," Zoe said, "but other than that I'm free. Connor just got back so he's free, Evan's mom is working really late tonight and because he's Evan he has made no other plans, Jared will lie and say that he made plans but will 'cancel' those plans to hang with us anyway. So I'd say we're all down." The others looked at Zoe, shocked. "What? Am I wrong?"

"It's the accuracy that's scaring us," Evan said.

"Well, I'll have to check my calendar, move some stuff around, but what are you thinking?" Jared asked Alana. Evan chucked and Zoe rolled her eyes, indicative of the accuracy of her prediction.  
"I hadn't thought it through," Alana admitted, getting a laugh from everybody. "Well, I didn't know if you guys would be busy tonight! Jeez! Um… Oh! We haven't done a movie night in a while." The others pondered this for a second.

"I'm down," Zoe said.

"Me too," Evan joined in.

"I have an important question," Jared said. Alana rolled her eyes, amused.

"Yes, Jared, I will bring microwave kettle corn."

"Alright then, I'll cancel my plans." Zoe and Evan snickered at this.

"Connor?" Alana asked, hopeful. Connor shrugged.

"I dunno, I don't wanna make a big deal out of… this…"

"It's just a movie night, Connor," Zoe said, "and you're going." Connor frowned at this. A few tables over, he noticed a few other boys, obviously looking at him and trying not to get caught. They whispered among themselves before laughing and staring. Evan followed his gaze Connor grumbled and shrunk into his hoodie.

"Hey, don't worry about them," Evan said. Jared looked over and realized what was happening.

"Hey!" he shouted at them. "Knock it off. If I have to go over there, shit's gonna get brutal." The boys snickered but kept to themselves. Alana looked over at the boys, a fire in her eyes. The second she turned back to the group, that fire was gone.

"Could we do it at your house, Evan?" Alana asked.

"Um, sure? I guess? I'd have to text my mom to make sure…"

"Ok great! Let us know when she says yes," Alana said. "Everybody brainstorm movies we can watch." Connor sighed. Jared and Evan looked over.

"I don't wanna really do anything."

"Well, how 'bout this," Evan said, "you come to movie night tonight and you can stay the night. You won't have to deal with your parents." Connor pondered this for a moment. Jared looked over at Evan, looking like an eager child. "Yes, you can stay over too, Jared." Evan turned to the girls. "If you don't mind the pull-out sofa I could ask my mom if you guys could also stay over. If you want."

"I still find it weird that your mom is more worried about _us_ sleeping in the same room as you," Alana said, "rather than your two idiot boyfriends."

"Yeah, you ever gonna tell her, Evan?" Zoe asked.

"I will… eventually." The other four chuckled at this. "Look, I haven't even come out to her, I don't know how to tell her I have one boyfriend, let alone two."

"It's easy," Jared replied, "You just say, 'Mom, I'm dating Connor and Jared. Up top.'" Jared lifted his hand for a high five with this last statement. Alana rolled her eyes, Zoe snickered, and Connor smirked while Evan stared blankly at Jared.

"Thanks, Jared," Evan said flatly, "you're a real pal." Jared put his hand on his chest, mock-offended.

"Evan Hansen, are you breaking up with me?" The entire lunch table burst into laughter, until suddenly a piece of paper hit Connor in the face. The table went silent as the boys from the other table burst into fits of giggling.

"What the fuck did I just say?" Jared shouted angrily, standing up. Alana stood up and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I've got this, Jared." Jared looked at Alana and saw an expression he'd only seen a few times before and prayed never to be on the receiving end of. He sat back down, trusting she would handle this. She took a few steps towards their table, and put on a big smile. "Kyle! Grant!" she said, walking over to the table. The group watched as she sat down next to them and struck up a conversation. Alana said something, and the boys gestured over to Connor with faux-innocence. Alana's smile became frosty and tightlipped, as she talked more intensely, but even quieter than before. As Alana continued talking, the smiles fell from the boys faces, one at a time. Alana's smile dropped entirely and was replaced with a look of pure anger. She kept talking until she looked at both of the boys, and they nodded. She stood up and walked back to the table the others were sitting at, with the two boys in tow. The taller one cleared his throat.

"Sorry Connor. We were just fucking around, you know?"

"Y-yeah! We didn't mean to hurt you or nothing…" the other said. "Are we cool?" Connor stared at the two, unsure how to react. Eventually he shrugged.

"Yeah, sure. For now. Get the fuck out and let us eat lunch in peace." The boys nodded and practically ran away. Connor smiled at Alana, a tad embarrassed but grateful nonetheless.

"How the _fuck_ did you do that, Alana?" Jared asked. Alana shrugged enigmatically.

"I have my ways." Zoe chuckled, patting Alana on the shoulder.

"Remind me to never get on you bad side." Alana laughed, returning the gesture.

"So…" Evan interrupted, "movie night at my place?" The others nodded in agreement and began discussing what movies to watch.

* * *

 

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??" Connor yelled at the screen. "Nope. I'm done. I call bullshit. These two fuckers are way too lucky." Jared laughed at Connor's outburst.

"That's literally the entire plot of this film," Jared said.

"I still can't believe you've never seen _The Road to El Dorado_ before," Alana said.

"Yeah. I gotta say even when I was young, I knew something was going on between Tulio and Chel," Zoe said.

"Yeah, they're gay and in love," Jared added.

"Excuse you," Evan joked, "they are bisexual and in a polyamorous relationship with Chel."

"Oh yeah," Zoe conceded. "Quick question: in your relationship, which of you is Tulio, which is Miguel, and which is Chel?" Evan frowned.

"It doesn't quite fit. Jared is closer in personality to all three of them. The worrying quality in Tulio is kinda like me, and I think Connor fits Chel to an extent, but it's not a precise comparison."

"So you're saying the main three characters are like, the worst combinations of Jared's traits?" Alana asked.

"More like the best traits," Jared retorted.

"Shut up," Connor said, "I wanna see how these dumbasses survive this." The others remained silent for a few minutes, save for the sound of Jared greedily munching on kettle corn. Evan quietly rested his head on Connor's shoulder, and Connor felt oddly at peace for a brief moment. But when that moment passed, it was replaced by a feeling of emptiness. Here he was, surrounded four people who cared about him, and something still felt wrong. Connor stood up, carefully stepping around Evan and the others.

"Pause the movie. I have to go to the bathroom." Jared grabbed the remote and paused the film. Connor nodded at him before turning around and doing his best to walk at a reasonable pace to the bathroom. He closed the door and locked it behind him. He looked in the mirror unsure what to do with himself. He should be enjoying this night, it had been some time since the five had gotten to hang out. He knew that he hadn't had a real date with Jared and Evan for a few weeks. Things were finally okay, and it felt like he was throwing it away. He wasn't sure why he did it. He just had a knack for ruining things. He didn't deserve to have a sister like Zoe, or a best friend like Alana, or boyfriends like Jared and Evan, and he just—

He stopped in the middle of his thought process. This was the thought process that had led him down this dark path before. And he was supposed to be doing everything in his power to not feel that way again. He sighed and turned on the faucet, running his hand under the water. He wasn't gonna let himself do that again. He turned the water off and stepped outside of the bathroom, pausing when he heard murmuring from the others.

"I know, I know, I know. He doesn't want to discuss it, and I'm trying to respect that." That was Alana's voice, and it seemed the others were disagreeing with her. "But it happened. And we have to accept that and discuss it. I'm just…"

"We're all worried, Alana," Evan reassured her.

"We're his boyfriends. We don't even bring it up. How do you think we feel?" Jared spoke.

"Look, I live with him," Zoe's voice came from down the hall, "and I've been trying to keep an eye on him. It's hard most days, I can tell. Honestly the only thing I can think to do is just be there for him. Look, it sucks, but you know Connor. He'll talk when he's ready." He didn't mean to be eavesdropping, but he was suddenly very acutely aware he was. It felt weird, hearing him being discussed by others. Others who cared about him. He wasn't sure how to feel. He walked back to the TV.

"Ok, you can press play again." The others looked at him briefly as he walked back in and resumed his position next to Evan and Jared. He wasn't going to waste the time he had with the people he cared about obsessing over whether or not he should be with them. He was with them now, and that was all that mattered. "Let's see what bullshit these idiots survive next."

* * *

 

Connor couldn't sleep. He probably should've brought over a few books, in case this happened. He hadn't really thought about it. He hadn't really thought about much in the day he'd been back. His brain was scattered. He wasn't sure why he wasn't tired, but he wasn't. His brain craved activity, excitement, energy. He slipped out of his sleeping bag and stood, stepping over Evan's bag as he exited his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

Now that he was out of the room, he wasn't sure what to do. He walked as quietly as he could through the dark house, past the couch where Zoe and Alana were sleeping and into the kitchen. He figured he _was_ a little thirsty. He grabbed a glass out from a cabinet and turned on the faucet in the sink, filling the glass nearly to the brim. He quickly took a sip before setting it down. His mind was moving a million miles a minute, but it wasn't coherent thoughts. It was more like fragments, parts of dreams he only half remembered. He wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there when the front door opened.

He looked over at the exhausted Heidi, not sure what to do. She set her bag down and took off her jacket, sighing. When she turned around, she gave a tired but genuine smile.

"Connor!" she said in a hushed tone. She extended her arms and begrudgingly accepted her hug. He'd learned long ago not to protest a hug from Heidi Hansen. "Evan mentioned the gang was staying the night. Are the girls…?" Connor nodded.

"Sleep sofa."

"And Evan found sleeping bags?" Connor nodded again.

"He was too nice to actually sleep in his own bed. Jared was not." Heidi let out a quiet chuckle.

"What are you doing up so late?" Connor shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep, I guess."

"Been there." She looked at him sympathetically. He knew she had heard of his hospitalization by now, and he knew everyone acted awkward about it. He mentally braced himself for the upcoming awkward conversation. "You know… Evan just… he thinks the world of you. Talks about you all the time, and I mean _all_ the time." Connor gave a small nod. "And I'm sure the others do, too." She reached out and touched his arm. "Believe me, I know what it's like to try to take the world alone. It always feels like you don't have anybody. But you have a great support system, and you have great friends. All you have to do is reach out to them. You understand?" Connor nodded vigorously. "And if you can't talk to them, or need advice from a medical professional, you can reach out to me, and I'll help you in any way I can, and I won't tell anyone. Ok?" Connor nodded again. She was right.

"Sorry for the intrusion, Ms. Hansen. And, um, thanks for letting us stay? Um, I just… it was my first day back and my parents… I couldn't deal with them."

"Of course, Connor. You're welcome over any time."  
"…Thanks."

"Now you and I both need to sleep. You should head back to Evan's room." Connor nodded once more.

"You're right." The two walked together, Connor stopping in front of Evan's room.

"Good night, Connor."

"Good night, Ms. Hansen." Connor entered the room, glass in hand. He sat down on top of his sleeping bag, slowly sipping at the glass, but still couldn't quiet his brain. He looked over Evan's desk out the window. He thought about the past few weeks, everything that had led him _here_ everything that had led them _there_. It was all a blur, passing through his mind quickly without stopping.

"What are you doing up, you weirdo?" Connor turned around and saw Jared, eyes barely open, but shifting in bed.

"Thinking of ways to wake you up," he replied.

"Mission accomplished. Come get in bed with me, asshole." Connor walked over and lied down in the small bed next to Jared. Connor felt like he was practically falling off of the bed, but Jared held on tight. "What were you thinking about?" Connor thought about it, and there was one common thread to most of his thoughts.

"What it would all be like without me."

"Connor…" Jared leaned over and looked at him, worried.

"No, not like that… just, you know, without me. Like, would you and Evan be dating if I hadn't gotten involved?"

"No way. I never would've realized I was actually in love with him, and he would still be pining over your sister. Got any other stumpers? World peace? Poverty? How to get Evan Hansen to orgasm?" Connor chuckled at this. "Connor, our lives would be so different without you in them. And not in a good way. I love you, you doofus. Evan loves you. We all love you. Believe me when I say I never thought I would fall for someone like you, but I can't imagine you not being in my life. Don't worry about our lives without you. We've got you, and I promise, we're never letting you go."

"Can you two shut the fuck up and go to sleep?" Connor and Jared had discovered long ago that Evan got incredibly angry when he was tired, surly even. But hearing Evan tell him to shut the fuck up was funny, almost adorable even.

"I dunno, Connor. Can you shut the fuck up and go to sleep?"

"You got that sleep playlist?" Jared slid his phone under the covers, passing Connor an earbud and pressing play on an acoustic version of a song Connor thought he recognized from the radio. Though he heard the beginning clearly, he was sleeping before the song ended. It was probably the best night of sleep he'd had in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I'll have more to say tomorrow, but I'm tired. Thank you for commenting and kudos etc.


End file.
